Death... Rebirth... Yoga

On the week of my birthday last year, a friend told me my 50's would be my most incredible decade. I absolutely believed her, and started a series of actions to build up on my life purpose as I see it. I even created this web page and blog. I finally decided to start a Mysore style program to offer my students the opportunity to experimence yoga the way I did. I offered a teacher development program, which was very successful, and I scheduled another one for 2019. Yes... my 50's started in a most powerful way.

Then... December came. Nothing could've prepared me for what was coming my way. The most brutal "ground removed from under my feet" situation that could happen in my life. My beloved husband Stephen passed away suddenly... sleeping... in the middle of the night. We had been together for almost 18 years, inseparable, elated with each other, absolutely happy to share a life together. We had so many plans... and it was all gone, like that. My 50's started in the most horrible way possible.

For the longest time, I considered myself pretty enlightened, if I may say so. I've been studying about life, and yoga, for so long... I got this pretty good, I thought... nothing can make me fall and loose my center. I realized then, how my arrogance had blinded me, and I had learned nothing about life and yoga. Sitting in my living room alone, missing half of my soul, absolutely lost, it all felt like college - you study for a semester, then you have to take the final test. The fucking merciless test of life... and death. All I had learned up to that point had no meaning whatsoever, this is not the test I wanted to be taking, it made no sense.

I realized something powerful through this ordeal, however: yoga is not practicing postures, reading books, chanting, or repeating platitudes such, "we are all one in the Divine..." We can't hide from living behind philosophies we repeat to placate our fear of what is ahead of us, or to "imagine" that we are free from certain things because we know better. We don't know better, we never know better. Life is to be lived with its beauty and its ugliness, and even though we thrive to experience everything from a neutral place of consciousness and balance, it's not life if we don't feel deeply and fully the beautiful, and the ugly. Every experience counts... every emotion is important... surrendering to life is key.

Someone said that, those who passed away simply moved to another room that we can't see, but the room is right next door. Life continues in so many dimensions. My ego is not happy about it: it can't see my love physically, it hates God or any mention of It, it feels cheated and wronged. Nevertheless, there's a part of me that knows something else I can't find words for. Maybe that's the part of me that knows and lives in Yoga, and hopefully, through my continuous practice, will reveal more of that knowledge.

I miss my beloved every single moment of every single day, and I know it will be like this till my last breath...but, to honor the immense love we share, I'll continue to study, practice and dedicate my life to Yoga.

Thank you to all, students and dear friends, who have held me so dearly through all of this.

Hari Om

Celia & Stephen